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FOOD-FIGHT CLUB
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Biff Radbone is known as a trendsetter in journalistic circles. He didn't like the monthly column or the weekly column so he invented the 'you'll get it when i give it to you-ly' column and fitness hasn't been the same since. Biff's troubled past came to a head when in 1995, when he was still known as Captain Supership, he jumped up on stage at a David Lee Roth concert in Las Vegas. The instant fame was too much for him and he was forced into hiding, leaving the family name behind and living in an old abandond gym in Kelowna, BC where he learned to master the iron game and became a internet watch dog, biting everyone who dared screw over the general public, with his "Boner Alerts" finishing sheister careers everwhere and impregnating the rest!
I am Jack's replacement writer.
Actually, I'm Warren's replacement writer this month. He's kinda busy right now, meaning he's depressed, what with Valentine's day coming and I know he'll be cranking Sarah McLachlan all night long and singing along (and alone) into an empty wine bottle or two. All the while he'll be wondering what kind of protein powder defines him as a person. It's probably for the best anyway; one of his New Years resolutions was to refer to himself in the third person for the whole year. None of this does his column any good so he asked me to fill in. He said I could write in an 'anything goes' style, but just don't use the 'f -word' because Jeremy and Chris are real mudder-funkers about it. So once I read all of Warren's columns I came up with a title for his next column, how about "…But enough about me"!! Keee-rhist! Some funny stuff and good info but do we need your life story too? Fortunately, he's given me this food label assignment so we can get right to it without going into telling you about I was breast-fed until I was sixteen years old and ooh… how it ruined any chance of having a normal life!
As you can tell I'm wee bit different, I'm so bad I should be charged asshole tax. While writing this article I asked my conscious to guide me but he said he already had his hands full with my inner child. Shit and I just said I was going to spare you of all that didn't I? Phuck!
Let's get to it. As you may or may not know, the Canadian government is changing all the food labels on products sold in Canada. The current labels are small, illegible and useless. The new labels will be bigger so as to fit in all the lies they plan to pack into them. Essentially, they're switching to the American style of food labels. If you've seen them in your travels you have surely said to yourself that they're easy to read and have food value percentages and everything you need to make a healthy choice. You could say that, but you would be wrong. Instead you will find out that the things you eat will end up eating you.
This label was taken from the government's site for promoting the new food labels. I absolutely love it when governments make big mistakes. This was so easy to see through that I was able to fit it between my post-pardem depression group on Wednesdays and my victim of spousal abuse Thursday group.
How much time do you spend looking at food labels when you're in the grocery store? 5 seconds at most? That's what the food companies expect and that's why they're so dangerous. They know that most people walk around with blank faces, calm as Hindu cows, slaves to the IKEA nesting egg instinct. These labels are catered to the average Joe that trusts the government to tell us the truth. I can guarantee you that is not the Canadian Government's New Years resolution!
Let's peel this stinky onion's layers. At first glance this food would be a good choice for any health conscious Canadian, 20% fat, only 10% carbohydrates and 5 grams of protein for a grand total of 260 calories. It may not meet any bodybuilder's diet requirements, but any mom would feed this low-fat, low-calorie food to her kids and feel good about it I'm sure. True, we don't know what food this label belong to but I think I'll have you thinking differently just the same.
Looking at these "Nutritional facts" we see that something is askew with the numbers. One gram of fat is 9 calories. At thirteen grams of a 260-calorie food the number seems incorrect, doing the math we find;
13 grams x 9 calories per gram = 117 calories...hmmm, lets keep going and see what we find,
117 calories of fat divided by 260 total calories = 45%, this thing has close to half its calories in fat, NOT 20%!!!
Let's do the carbohydrates while we're at it, remembering that one gram of carbohydrates is 4 calories.
31 grams x 4 calories per gram =124 calories... looking familiar yet?
124 calories of carbs divided by 260 total calories = 48% calories from carbs. Not the 10% the label claims.
...We have just lost cabin pressure.
By now you must be wondering how the government plans to get away with this and I'll tell you. "Technically" they are not lying. Looking again, if you look at the column to the left, at the top you will see "% daily values". What this means is the label's percent numbers refer to how much of each energy source the Canada Food Guide recommends PER DAY, not in this particular serving! Of course there is no disclaimer on the label saying so, but shouldn't you know this already? Of course not, but if the government really thought that you would know do you think they would even attempt this?
Here's another 'technicality' that you probably haven't thought about. There is a very good chance that you are eating a lot more than the 260 calories that it printed on the label. If you look you'll see "amount per serving" on the label. That means each package most likely has more than one serving. Is there a standard serving size? Of course not! That would make sense! One example of this deceit is on the American 'Snapple' drink label. If you find one, look at the label and there will be (in small print) two serving per bottle. Um, excuse me? Not on my planet! Betcha five buck our Canadian 'Snapple' looks the same way soon.
Looking again at our label above you will see no serving number on the label, which means you have no idea how much you're eating with out a calculator. Can you believe that Health minister Allan Rock hired 'experts in literacy' to come up with these labels and that these experts said the key to the new label was the "power of predictability", too bad they didn't predict Mr. Radbone! Welcome to food-fight club Mr. Rock, you know the rules, since its you're first day at food-fight club you have to fight! If you're a no-show, I'll send Meatloaf to house and he'll make you suck on his bitch tits!
Some may say I'm being dramatic, but think about this: what if a diabetic purchases this food assuming that it is only 10% carbohydrates when it is really 48%? What about someone who has just had a heart attack? Likely, this person has never bothered to look after himself and is unaccustomed to making low-fat choices not only to improve health but to keep living as well. This guy will have no idea how much fat he is ingesting or how many calories either.
The question being; Who benefits from all this? The food companies of course. Will you buy this food if you know its 45% fat? Not likely. Hence, the label says that the food in your hand is only 20% fat and you don't have a clue when the cashier rings it through for you. As Warren mentioned last month in his Canada Food Guide article the food industry is the largest and most powerful industry around, their lobbyists being the most influential. The government needs their money and will gladly exchange your health for it. It's typical of Mr. Allan Rock and his 'Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Jackass' government. This especially gets under my skin because this can only lead to a fatter general population, which in turn leads to more people lined up in hospitals later in life, leading to increasing health care costs. Ironically that's something Mr. Rock at Health Canada says is already costing 6.3 billion for dietary habit-related illnesses alone. Of course people who THINK they're eating healthy, who keep getting fatter will likely increase the sales of all the fitness scam artists you see on the TV. They might even join one of those nation franchise diet organizations, which, in case you were wondering, are owned by food companies! Were you aware the Heinz Ketchup Co. owns one of the diet industry's major players (with the initials 'W.W.')? This makes great business sense if you think about it. In what other industry do you turn to the people who hurt you to get better? Its like sending a boozehound to the "Jack Daniel's Recovery Center for Alcoholics"!
In extreme cases, some will resort to abusing fat burners and diet pills because they think that they must be cursed because they're eating 'healthy' but still getting fat.
The government depends on us being Canadian about it. They'll expect us to be offended if we find out but do little about it. It's the Canadian way after all. Our government treats us like tourists, and everyone knows the difference between the traveler and the tourist is that the traveler doesn't know where he's going and the tourist doesn't know where he is! Think about it, if 'Fight Club was made by the CBC it would have been called "Rock/paper/scissors-Club" its just not in our nature to rock the boat. It's even extended to some of our sports teams. The Montreal Canadiens hockey team has become so intimidated by other teams during trade talks that they're currently shopping for a goaltender on eBay! Canadians seem to be the middle children of the world, Except…
I am Jack's smirking revenge...
Just like Tyler Durden would, I'm giving you guys a homework assignment. You have three choices but you gotta do at least two of them. Meanwhile, to help deal with my aggressive nature, I'll be splicing pornographic images into all the upcoming "Body-For-Life Success Stories Volume 534" videotapes.
1. Email Health Canada minister Allan Rock HERE and give him a piece of
your mind, don't forget to tell him that Biff Radbone sent ya!
2. Send this column to everyone you know, especially friends who may have a health condition, parents with small children and people who want to watch their weight. Feel free to send a link to your local newspaper and TV news shows too!
3. Here's the really fun one! Take the banner below and start making stickers with them. Then whenever you see one of the new nutrition labels, simple smack one of these stickers on top of it. "Project Mayhem 2001" baby!
Chuck Palahniuk is the author responsible for writing 'Fight Club" as well as the upcoming novel "Choke", a dark comedy about sexual addiction, chocolate pudding, religious relics and the Heimlick-manouver. Watch for the film based on Chuck's book "Survivor" (not the TV show) possibly starring Kevin Spacey and/or Jim Carrey, coming next year. He has a great site!
We will not be the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world. We will overcome. Now if you'll excuse me, my buddy Richard Bachman and I are late for crashing the ovarian cancer Saturday group. You can now return your seat backs to their full, upright position. This conversation...
Is over.
NEXT TIME: The clitoris; nature's Rubik's Cube.
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